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Unnatural Peanut Butter and Jelly

Please welcome Charlie Hills, author of the hilarious “diet” book you see over there. ~ Nick

Hi there! Charlie Hills here, on the second stop of my Virtual Book Tour. I wanted to thank Nick for hosting this stop. And it’s not because I get the opportunity to promote my book, but because I finally get to finally realize the life-long dream of every author: the chance to prepare the Unnatural Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich.

Of course, if you’re interested in the book, click here, or visit the links at the bottom of this post. And if you want to win this book, read on for that too. But that’s not what’s important right now. No. Right now you must instead prepare yourself for an epic journey into the depths of my culinary imagination.

I first came up with this idea some twenty years ago. I think it happened one day when I ran across one of these:

Much like pizza, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are, of course, proof of intelligent life in the universe. The first day those two people bumped into each other at the corner and realized this combination was dog-gone good, life hasn’t been the same for us mere mortals.

But one day, while munching on yet another cup, I sat and pondered: what exactly is that stuff inside the peanut butter cup? Because I’ve seen peanut butter before, and this ain’t it. As my mind further strayed from the path, I also thought about these:

That’s a box of jelly donuts, folks, and I thought the same thing: what exactly is that stuff inside a jelly donut? Because I’ve seen jelly before, and that ain’t it. Then it hit me. Oh my. What if I were to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of these two items. It sounded wrong. Was I about to embark upon some unholy scientific adventure and end up with a creature known for generations to come as, “Charlie’s Monster”?

But I couldn’t help it. The idea intrigued me so. All I needed was some bread. Tada! Angel Food Cake. It looks like bread—how could this not work?

So finally, after contemplating this for half my life, I decided it was time.

Warning: The following blog post contains scenes of an explicit peanut butter nature. Viewer discretion is advised.

The first step was to extract the peanut butter from the cups. This is a very delicate process because as you all know, exposing Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to the earth’s atmosphere causes them to vanish immediately. Look what happened to the first set, just seconds after opening the package:

I have no idea what happened to them, so I was more careful with the second package. As far as extracting the filling, turning the cup over and scraping across the bottom seemed to work.

I also tried it with a semi-frozen cup and that seemed to work better. If you try this on your own (note: do not try this on your own), you may want to attempt freezing as well. Anyway, after extracting the filling from four cups and eating the remaining twenty, I ended up with a small bowl of peanut butter, like so:

Next, the jelly! It’s a similar procedure involving the subject, a knife, and a camera under poor lighting. I decided to cut around the center of the donut using some of my mad pumpkin-carving skillz.

I have to admit, this was a view I’d never seen before:

I carefully spooned out the “jelly” and added it to a second bowl. With the two spreads now ready, all I needed was the bread. Cutting angel food cake is also a delicate business. I’m used to thwacking four-inch thick slices off the cake. Getting bread-thin pieces was a bit of a challenge. But we’re talking about history in the making. I had to rise to the occasion.

Spreading the “peanut butter” was more difficult than I expected. It was much stronger than the angle food sandwich infrastructure. I had to pre-spread it in the bowl, then lay the pieces on top of the bread:

The jelly was a similar challenge, the chief danger being the complete destruction of the bread due to the spreading process.

But in the end, the deed was done! The earth didn’t crash into the sun and my house was not surrounded by townsfolk with torches and pitchforks.

“The Unnatural Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, along with veggie sticks, green grapes, and milk is part of this complete breakfast!”

Rachel, ever eager to play the part of my guinea pig for all the internets to marvel at, prepares to take the first bite of the monster:

There she goes!

And the verdict?

Hmmm… apparently not her cup of tea. By now, however, I was brimming over with excitement. After all, I’d been thinking about this moment for decades. I had to try it myself. Here I go….

You know what? I actually liked it. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking. And the first bite was a bit … strange. The peanut butter gave it a bit of grittiness for which I was unprepared. But once I got past that, I ate the whole thing without a problem. And also without ice cream. It occurred to me too late that this would have gone great with ice cream. Although, in hindsight, I should have served it with a side of garbage disposal.

Oh, and about my book? Well, you can read more about it here. Or if you like my writing in spite of the above subject matter, check out my blog. And as for the virtual book tour: if you missed yesterday’s stop, visit Slim Shoppin. For tomorrow, stop by Roni’s Weigh for some reader Q & A action. See you there!

Book Giveaway

Win Charlie’s book “Why Your Last Diet Failed You” by simply leaving a comment. Earn a second entry for the drawing by linking to this “Unnatural Peanut Butter Sandwich” post from your website. A winner will be chosen at random on April 24th!